They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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