if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
