I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
