Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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