I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
