Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Quick, to the slutcave!
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
