remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
