I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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