I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
