I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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