end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
