drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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