i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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