Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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