I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
