So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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