dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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