I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
