Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
