I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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