if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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