I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
