I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
