when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
