I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
