i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
