she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
