Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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