Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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