if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
