A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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