Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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