I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
