Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
