mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize