you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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