walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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