i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
