im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
