Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
