Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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