i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
