Just fell off a train. Bad.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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