I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
