the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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