I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
