dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
