so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
