Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I'm passing your future prison.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
