Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
