My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Randomize
