I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize