when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Who died my cat blue again?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
