I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize