i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize