I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
