i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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