i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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