I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
