Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
