You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Randomize
