dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
