That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
