I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
