I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
