I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
