Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
