morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she peed on how many people?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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